A dog walked into a bar
A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer. With that a man at the bar said I don't want to drink at the same bar as this dog. The dog and the man got into a fight and the man shot the dog in the foot. With that the dog yelped out of the bar and down the street.

A week later the same dog walked into the same bar, this time he was wearing a black hat, a black vest, black chaps, black boots, a black gun belt with a pair of black colt .45's one on either side, and a black bandage around his sore foot. He goes up to the bar and says to the bar tender "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He
told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell
him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they
have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said,
"Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus'
birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished
her to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.
Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His
disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him.
The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they
buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the
boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more
weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

One day a truck driver was driving down a highway when he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a blonde in a little blue car tailgating him. Well, this truck driver hated to be tailgated, so he stops his truck and walks over to the car, which had also stopped and said,
"Hey, lady, if you don't stop tailgating me, I'm going to bust up your car."
So he gets back in truck and drives away.
A little while later he looks in his rear view mirror, and sees the blonde tailgating him again. So he stops his truck, gets out, and walks over to the car, saying,
"Hey lady, stop tailgating me, or I'll bust up your car."
So he gets back in his truck and drives away.
A little while later he again looks in his rear view mirror, and once again the blonde is tailgating him. So he stops his truck, walks over to the car, and says,
"Lady, get out."
So the blonde steps out of her car, and the truck driver draws a circle on the roadside, saying,
"Now don't step out of that circle."
Then he proceeds to bust up the blonde's car, smashing the windshields and windows.
And the blonde starts laughing.
The truck driver rips out the seats, and busts all the tires.
And the blonde keeps laughing.
He takes a sledge hammer from his truck, and pounds in the frame, rips out the steering wheel, cuts the brake lines, etc, until the car is completely totalled.
And the blonde is still laughing.
The truck driver walks over to the blonde, and says, "Lady, I just completely totalled your car, and you're still laughing. What is so funny?????"
The blonde replies, giggling, "I stepped out the circle and you didn't see me!!!!!!!!"

Hey. Not sure it was mentioned but...
I'm not a lumberjack,
or a fur trader...
and I don't live in an igloo
or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really, really nice.
I have a Prime Minister,
not a President.
I speak English and French,
NOT American.
and I pronouce it ABOUT,
NOT A BOOT.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.
A TOQUE IS A HAT,
A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH,
AND IT IS PRONOUCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!
CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!
THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY!
AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!
MY NAME IS JOE!
AND I AM CANADIAN!

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar filled with money. So he asks the bartender what the jar is for, to which he receives the reply that if you put in five dollars you can try to make a horse in the corner laugh. If successful, you get the jar of money.

So the man puts his money in, takes the horse outside and minutes later they return with the horse laughing hysterically.

The man takes the money.

A year later the man returns to the bar with the failiar site of the jar with the money on the bar. Yet again he enquires, to which the reply is that since he has left the damn horse has not stopped laughing and for five bucks you can try to make the horse cry. If successful, you get the jar of money.

So the man puts his money in, takes the horse outside and minutes later they return with the horse crying hysterically.

The man takes the money.

The bartender indicates his confusion and asks how he does it.

Simple was the reply, the first time I told him I was bigger than him, the second time I showed him.

Sorry, it is a little rated...

The Birch and the Beech

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch said she cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a
son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash
I have ever put my pecker in."

Sorry if this is too nasty, my supplier is on strike.

Two priests are in a bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other
one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not down there!"

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's
house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are
you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the
mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now
really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal
questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get
a divorce?" "That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.
The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin
to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl
says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at
her
drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I
know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How
did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is
past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that
out?"
And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got
a divorce." Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really?
And just why is that, young lady?"
"Because you got an F in sex."

LMAO!!! ....two butts a day!!....

Fifteen muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and say, "Man it's really hot in here". The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, "WHOA, another talking muffin ! What are the odds !!!"

Jonathan

Welcome Jonathan !!

SIGNS YOU MAY BE CANADIAN

1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.

2. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"

3. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.

4. You drink pop, not soda.

5. You know what it means to be on pogey.

6. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"

7. You can legally drink while still a 'teen.

8. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.

9. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no crime.

10. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

LOL. These are great. That last one. LMAO.

Thanxs for the help Pawly.

Rick

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Jennifer, was.

Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and
Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian"

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:

[spoil]"Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you
"do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom"[/spoil]

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

GREAT one, Pawly!! LMAO!

And a 'Happy Mothers' Day' to all those mums out there!

Ba Ba Black Sheep

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

Stumped Doc

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.

The doctor looks at it and says, “I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?” The man says no.

The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, “Nothing.” The doctor is really puzzled now and says, “You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?”

The man replies, “Honestly, doc I, don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Cheetos.”

Ooooh, nasty.

Yeah, but you're smiling.

I don't know if Jeff Foxworthy actually said this but I got this in an email yesterday:
====================================================

Here's what Jeff Foxworthy (American comedian) has to say about Albertans:


1 - If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Alberta.

2 - If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Alberta.

3 - If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Alberta.

4 - If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Alberta.

5 - If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Edmonton for the weekend, you live in Alberta.

6 - If you measure distance in hours, you live in Alberta.

7 - If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Alberta.

8 - If you have switched from "heat" to "air conditioning" and back again in the same day, you live in Alberta.

9 - If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Alberta.

10 - If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in Alberta.

11 - If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Alberta.

12 - If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Alberta.

13 - If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Alberta.

14 - If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Alberta.

15 - If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Alberta.

16 - If you find 10 degrees Fahrenheit "a little chilly", you live in Alberta.

17 - If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Alberta friends, you live in Alberta.



BB

I think this one applies to everyone East of the Rockies. lol I had a '91 Honda Accord that simply REFUSED to let the snow slow it down! Three words:

Hand Brake Steering

Were do one legged waitress' work????[hr]
[spoil][web]http://ihop.com/[/web][/spoil][hr]sorry couldnt help myself lol

What no one like my joke oh well, that was my 2 cents worth ill go in the corner now and sulk
<----- me in corner waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa








<------- is over it now lol