To Timmygadget; if any of these jokes offend you, let me know and I'll kick the living shit out of myself for posting them.

*****************************************************
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but damn useless in a fight." *****************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
***************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
*****************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She replied, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun..."
*****************************************************
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk goes, "hic....ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
*******************************************************************

Ha no worries Kalu, I am just an English blow-in anyway as they say over here, I am from Yorkshire in the north of England but I moved over here donkeys years ago when I moved to my wifes home town in County Kildare. Timmy the plastic paddy lol

Sirius is the real paddy around here and you got a laugh out of him so you wont be sent to Coventry

ALL RIGHT.
FILL US IN.
WHATS THE REFERENCE TO COVENTRY ??
I KNOW THAT AS THE HOME OF JAGUAR AMONGST A FEW OTHER FINE CARS

Its an old English phrase which means 'to be ignored as a punishment for wrongdoings'

A long story

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/sent-to-coventry.html

FANTASTIC TIMMYGADGET !! THANKS FOR THE LINK.
ITS A PRETTY NEAT STORY BEHIND IT,
WHICH IS WHAT I EXPECTED, IT SOUNDS LIKE AN OLD SAYING.
I'M SURPRISED JUST HOW OLD

HEY ALL YOU CANUCKS !!!
WHAT "SAYINGS" OF CANADIAN ORIGIN DO YOU KNOW ?? BESIDES OUR 2 LETTER FAVORITE WORD ( EH )
ONE SIMILAR TO ABOVE IS "BEING SENT TO PENETANG" OR "999 QUEEN ST" (BOTH NUT HOUSES)

WE HAVE SOME GOOD ONES. LETS HEAR THEM.
DO AS TIMMYGADSGET DID AND RESEARCH IT IF POSSIBLE

Hey Kalu, here's one for you. It's an oldie but golden.........

An Irishman, Englishman & Scotsman awaiting execution in a Mexican Jail..
Monday morning the commandant enters their cell..
At noon today, one of you will be shot & points to the Englishman.

Midday arrives, & the guards escort the Englishman to the execution spot..
As the firing squad takes aim, the Englishman shouts out.......Earthquake..
The Mexicans panic & he jumps over the wall to freedom.

Tuesday morning, the Commandant enters their cell, looking very aggrieved,
& said, today, one of you will be shot at 11am as he points to the Scotsman.

11am arrives & the Scotsman is escorted to the spot. Commandant informs him
that you will not escape as the Englishman did.
As the firing squad takes aim..the Scotsman shouts out..Flood..
Again the Mexicans panic & the Scotsman escapes to freedom.

Wednesday morning, Commandant enters the cell & tells the Irishman...
Your last meal is on the way & will be followed by a priest. When he is done,
you will be immediately executed.

The Irishman had a wonderful meal & before the priest arrived, he requested a
bottle of the finest whiskey to wash down that excellent meal. Shortly after,
the priest arrived & gave him the last rites.

The Irishman was placed on the execution spot by 6 guards & they seperated
into 2 groups & stood to each side.
The firing squad, with huge grins, took aim, just then, the Irishman shouted out......
FIRE...

Good one! We have a version of that joke over here and it's a bit different but along the same lines. The butt of the joke depends on what region of Canada you live in. It's either a frenchman who causes his own death through stupidity or a Newfie (Newfoundlander), or in Alberta it would be a Ukrainian. I suppose there is probably a french version in Quebec in which the english guy is the moron, although I'm sure it's not as funny.

Paddy phones for an ambulance as his mate has just been hit by a car. Operator asks where is the accident?
Paddy replies "Outside 28 Eucalyptus Road" He's asked "How do you spell that?"

The line goes quiet for 5 minutes & the operator begins to worry.
Then Paddy says "Sorry about that" "I've just dragged him to number 3 Oak Street".

An Irishman bursts into his local library drunk as usual and bellows at the librarian and asks loudly "FISH AND CHIPS PLEASE"

The librarian replies "This is a library !!!"

So the Irishman whispers "sorry, fish and chips please"

Q. What do you call a short Irishman

A. Anaemic (A knee mick)

AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH

May there always be work for your hands to do;

May your purse always hold a coin or two;

May the sun always shine on your windowpane;

May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;

May the hand of a friend always be near you;

May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

Sirius your name is 'Padraig O'Dalaigh' as gaeilge

Thanks Timmy - already knew. When mum died, I started a family tree & it wasn't until I got to dad's side of the family that I found out a few things! Dad's family way back in the past actually owned most of Ireland!!!

So much for the future!!!