Up in heaven God was talking to an angel about this beautiful country he was creating. He described this place to the angel.

"It will have lakes, tall mountains, as well as big trees covering the land. The air will be crisp and fresh , the water will always be clean, and the people will be the most friendly you will ever meet."

"I will call it Canada and the people living inside; Canadians."

"But God." the angel questioned, "don't you think you are being too nice to these Canadians?"

"Nope!" replied God, "Just wait 'till you see their neighbors!"


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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

"O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now, son - it's a local call"


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On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a gas station in a remote outport. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"How's she cuttin' bye" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "Hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Lard tunderin Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of
everyting!"


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An American, a Japanese and a Canadian were sitting naked in a sauna when suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."

The Canadian felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Canadian finally said "Well, will you look at that! I'm getting a fax."


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Prime Minister Stephen Harper, Finance Minister James M. Flaherty, and Revenue Minister Jean-Pierre Blackburn are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in British Columbia when Harper turns to Flaherty and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."


Flaherty shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy."

Not to be outdone, Blackburn says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and make millions of people happy."


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Why Canuckleheads Can't Be Paramedics.....

Joe and Bud are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Bud grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. Joe whips out his cell phone and calls 9-1-1. He gasps to the operator, "By tundering Jesus, I tink me pal Bud is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There was silence.... and then a gun shot was heard.
Joe comes back on the line; "Okay, now what?"

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A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Alberta. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out.

She motored out a short distance, anchored, and continued to
read her book.

Along came Conservation Officer Al in his boat. He pulled up
alongside the woman and said,

" Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replied, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in
and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," said
the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," said the C.O.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

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It was mealtime during a flight on Air Canada.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated
in front.

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.


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A New Brunswicker, a Quebecer, and a Newfie were walking down the road together and they bumped into a lantern with a genie inside. Out pops the genie and he says, "I will grant you one wish each. Who wants to go first?"

The New Brunswicker says, "Me, I want to go first."

So the genie replies, "Ok, what is your wish?"

The New Brunswicker said, "My wish is to have a 2-lane highway
across New Brunswick, smooth as a baby's arse!" The genie said, "Poof! There you go. A highway as smooth as a baby's arse!"

The Quebecer pipes up and says, "Well I am going next! Genie, I
want a 20-foot wall around the border of Quebec to keep all the damn Englishmen out!"

Genie, "Poof! There's your 20-foot wall. Now Newfie, it is your turn. What do you want?" The Newfie looks at the genie and asks, "Genie, is that wall you just put around Quebec waterproof?"

Genie, "Yep!"

Newfie, "Filler up!"


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A young man named Paul bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news...the donkey is on my truck, but he's dead."

Paul replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "I Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Paul said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway".

The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?"

Paul said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

To which the farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

But Paul, with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Paul and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Paul said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a
piece and made a profit of $698.00."

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

And Paul replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his $2 back plus $200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy."

Paul grew up working in business and finance, owned marine shipping companies, and eventually entered Canadian politics. After a lengthy wait for this boss, Jean, to step down as Prime Minister, Paul was voted in with a Liberal minority government. He had learned the drill well. No matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from the public, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy.

.......And you know the rest of the story.


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